It’s an age old story. You and your partner have invested so much of your lives into raising your children. From their very first breath, they have been at the centre of your world and, understandably, so many of your conversations have revolved around them.
You talk about everything. Their first words, their first steps, their first win at sport, how they are settling into school and whether they are making friends.
As they grow older, the conversations change. When should they have access to technology? What are they watching? Who are they talking to? Are they safe online? Are they being bullied?
Then comes dating. When should they start? Who are they dating? Are they making good choices? At times, we may even find ourselves asking for a little divine intervention to help them along the way.
Add to this the endless hours of Mum and Dad’s taxi service, sleepovers, sporting commitments and seemingly endless birthday parties, and is it any wonder that couples can struggle to find time for each other?
Then, one day, the whirlwind begins to slow down.
Your last child leaves home and suddenly, after years of focusing so much of your energy on your children, you find yourself back where it all began. Just you and your partner.
For some couples, this can feel exciting. For others, it can feel surprisingly unfamiliar. You may look at each other across your now quiet home and realise that somewhere along the way, you have become disconnected.
The empty nest stage can be a significant test for a relationship. After years of parenting and putting your children first, it can take time and intention to rediscover the connection that brought you together in the first place.
So, if your children have left home or are preparing to leave, and you feel you have become disconnected from your partner, what can you do to reconnect?
1. Check in with your partner
We all change over the years. The person you fell in love with may have different hopes, interests and priorities today, and so might you.
Ask each other questions. What do you both want from this next stage of life? What are you looking forward to? What would you like your future together to look like?
This can be an opportunity to create a new shared vision for your relationship.
2. Use your eyes
Our eyes can communicate so much about how we are feeling.
Take the time to really look at your partner when they are speaking to you. Eye contact can help create closeness and show that you are present, interested and emotionally connected.
Sometimes a loving look can communicate what words cannot.
3. Remember the power of touch
Reach out and touch your partner. Hold their hand, stroke their cheek, hug them or kiss them.
Physical affection can be a simple but powerful way of maintaining connection. A small touch can communicate warmth, reassurance, affection and love.
4. Normalise the change
It can be difficult when your children leave home. For many parents, it is an emotional transition and may bring feelings of sadness, loss or uncertainty alongside feelings of pride and excitement.
Allow yourselves to acknowledge those emotions rather than pretending everything is fine.
Remember that you are going through this transition together. Supporting each other can help you adjust to this new stage of life as a couple.
5. Talk to each other
Every relationship has challenges, but ignoring them rarely makes them disappear.
Talk to each other about how you are feeling and what you need. Be curious about your partner’s feelings too.
Communication is not simply about talking. It is also about listening, paying attention and making your partner feel heard and understood.
6. Pay attention to each other again
After years of focusing on children, work and family responsibilities, it is easy to stop noticing the small ways your partner reaches out for connection.
Start paying attention again.
Notice when your partner wants to talk, share something with you, spend time together or simply have your attention. These small moments of connection can make an enormous difference over time.
7. Do new things together
Our brains respond positively to novelty, so finding new and enjoyable things to experience together can help bring excitement back into your relationship.
Try a new restaurant, take a weekend away, start a hobby together, travel somewhere you have never been or simply change your usual routine.
Creating new experiences together gives you something to share and can help you rediscover the sense of fun and connection you may have experienced earlier in your relationship.
Relationships can be challenging, but they can also be incredibly rewarding. Having someone we love, trust and care for beside us as we move through different stages of life is something worth nurturing.
The empty nest does not have to signal the end of something. It can also be the beginning of a new chapter in your relationship.
If you and your partner are struggling to reconnect on your own, remember that you do not have to navigate it alone. Seeking support from a qualified counsellor can help you understand what has changed, improve communication and begin rebuilding your connection.
